ROBB TODD

Someone actually let me have a book. My first collection of fiction is on sale. You can even enjoy a Kindle edition.

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© 2012 Robb Todd

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    TWO REALLY IMPORTANT THINGS ONE The last movie I saw was set in present day but the young protagonist had an answering machine. When is Hollywood going to give that up? Nobody younger than 50 has an answering machine and only seven people fifty or older have them—and four of those are broken and the dudes just won’t throw them away. That’s not a lot of answering machines! If they haven’t stopped making them entirely, they will soon. Sorry, screenwriters. You’ll have to find another device to clue us in on important narrative details.  TWO Later this month, the Uptown Collective’s Led Black Book Club will feature my collection, Steal Me for Your Stories. Drop by APT 78 in Washington Heights at 1pm on Feb. 25. I’ll read you a story. This is probably as close as I will have to a book release party, so … let’s party. More info is here, and it’s so fancy you have to RSVP. Do you know what RSVP stands for? Yes, Retired Senior Volunteer Program. That’s an important program. RSVP is also a track by The Bloodhound Gang from the 2000 album Hooray for Boobies. HOORAY!

    TWO REALLY IMPORTANT THINGS

    ONE

    The last movie I saw was set in present day but the young protagonist had an answering machine. When is Hollywood going to give that up? Nobody younger than 50 has an answering machine and only seven people fifty or older have them—and four of those are broken and the dudes just won’t throw them away. That’s not a lot of answering machines! If they haven’t stopped making them entirely, they will soon.

    Sorry, screenwriters. You’ll have to find another device to clue us in on important narrative details. 

    TWO

    Later this month, the Uptown Collective’s Led Black Book Club will feature my collection, Steal Me for Your Stories. Drop by APT 78 in Washington Heights at 1pm on Feb. 25. I’ll read you a story.

    This is probably as close as I will have to a book release party, so … let’s party. More info is here, and it’s so fancy you have to RSVP. Do you know what RSVP stands for? Yes, Retired Senior Volunteer Program. That’s an important program. RSVP is also a track by The Bloodhound Gang from the 2000 album Hooray for Boobies.

    HOORAY!

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    YOU CAN NEVER LEAVE THE INTERNET UNATTENDED  I went to another country for a while. In that country, the doubya doubya web is expensive for foreigners. In that country, which is very cold, I snowboarded for the first time. By “snowboarded” I mean I fell down a mountain for two hours. I’m still a little numb. Also, people drink more when their lives are covered in snow. Also, they are nicer and say sorry when you are the person who should say sorry. They give you doughnuts, too. Also, some people leave hearts in the snow with their boots because they have that much love to give.  While all that was happening, this happened: LITnIMAGE and Fwriction : Review published stories I wrote with my very own fingers. They’re short. Read them. These stories are in my collection, which is now available on Amazon as a Kindle edition. That makes my brain melt a little. 

    YOU CAN NEVER LEAVE THE INTERNET UNATTENDED 

    I went to another country for a while. In that country, the doubya doubya web is expensive for foreigners. In that country, which is very cold, I snowboarded for the first time. By “snowboarded” I mean I fell down a mountain for two hours. I’m still a little numb.

    Also, people drink more when their lives are covered in snow. Also, they are nicer and say sorry when you are the person who should say sorry. They give you doughnuts, too. Also, some people leave hearts in the snow with their boots because they have that much love to give. 

    While all that was happening, this happened:

    LITnIMAGE and Fwriction : Review published stories I wrote with my very own fingers. They’re short. Read them. These stories are in my collection, which is now available on Amazon as a Kindle edition. That makes my brain melt a little. 

    Humiliation for the good of the world

    Necessary Fiction asked writers to share unedited, unpublished early work, and discuss how they have evolved. What a great idea. I’m into humiliation.

    Here’s what I had to say about it — and if you think my writing sucks now, wait till you read this. It is much worse. 

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    WE WILL NEVER DIE JUST YETThis is important (and do not ever let someone who is successful at life tell you otherwise): There is a building near my office that was used as an exterior shot on a famous sitcom about a group of friends. It has been off the air for almost a decade but the show is syndicated. Tourists stand on the corner and take pictures of it. All day long. The show was not even filmed in this city. This is our culture. Tourists. Photos. All. Day. Long. I took two pictures of food today. I do not have a healthy relationship with food nor money but I get along with liquid fine. Remember when we saw the plane writing in the sky?The approaching train sounded like lasers. On the train, a man with a torn jacket said to a little woman wearing a red coat, “Excuse me, miss. What day is it?” She pulled her earbuds out. “Friday.” He said thank you. At the next stop, he said, “One of these guys should give you a seat.” She could not hear him. She had her earbuds in again. “They should give you a seat!” He had an unopened can in his pocket, something to drink. “Is this 59th street?” Another man said, “When it stops, bro.” The man with the torn jack held out his hand with the cross dangling. “Could you spare a quarter?” Outside the gym, a man walked past wearing green jeans. Does that mean anything to anyone any more? Inside the elevator to the gym, a woman told another woman that she has a student whose name is pronounced “shu-thead” but it is not spelled that way. It has an I and no dash. The other woman laughed and said she has a student named La-Dasha, spelled La-Dasha, with a dash. Inside the gym, a sweaty man wore a T-shirt that said, I HAVE DOUGHNUTS AT HOME. The view from the yoga studio is sick. Outside the gym, two giant dump trucks stopped for a little old lady jaywalking with a cane, a pile of dead Chistmas trees near a no-parking sign. A blind man in white fur coat stood on the corner, tapping things. A little girl with a pink, rolling backpack stomped down the sidewalk making angry noises. Relationships, my life, my feelings blahblah I do not know how it is for other people.

    WE WILL NEVER DIE JUST YET

    This is important (and do not ever let someone who is successful at life tell you otherwise): There is a building near my office that was used as an exterior shot on a famous sitcom about a group of friends. It has been off the air for almost a decade but the show is syndicated. Tourists stand on the corner and take pictures of it. All day long. The show was not even filmed in this city. This is our culture. Tourists. Photos. All. Day. Long.

    I took two pictures of food today. I do not have a healthy relationship with food nor money but I get along with liquid fine.

    Remember when we saw the plane writing in the sky?

    The approaching train sounded like lasers. On the train, a man with a torn jacket said to a little woman wearing a red coat, “Excuse me, miss. What day is it?”

    She pulled her earbuds out. “Friday.”

    He said thank you. At the next stop, he said, “One of these guys should give you a seat.”

    She could not hear him. She had her earbuds in again.

    “They should give you a seat!” He had an unopened can in his pocket, something to drink. “Is this 59th street?”

    Another man said, “When it stops, bro.”

    The man with the torn jack held out his hand with the cross dangling. “Could you spare a quarter?”

    Outside the gym, a man walked past wearing green jeans. Does that mean anything to anyone any more?

    Inside the elevator to the gym, a woman told another woman that she has a student whose name is pronounced “shu-thead” but it is not spelled that way. It has an I and no dash. The other woman laughed and said she has a student named La-Dasha, spelled La-Dasha, with a dash.

    Inside the gym, a sweaty man wore a T-shirt that said, I HAVE DOUGHNUTS AT HOME. The view from the yoga studio is sick.

    Outside the gym, two giant dump trucks stopped for a little old lady jaywalking with a cane, a pile of dead Chistmas trees near a no-parking sign. A blind man in white fur coat stood on the corner, tapping things. A little girl with a pink, rolling backpack stomped down the sidewalk making angry noises.

    Relationships, my life, my feelings blahblah I do not know how it is for other people.

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    AIRPORT “At this time we are only pre-boarding our first class passengers, business class passengers, small business class passengers, business school grads, platinum club members, diamond deluxe members, gold medallion members, Captain’s Club members, Mile High Club members, and all premium class passengers and club members, members of the armed forces — excluding the Coast Guard but including the National Guard — passengers needing special assistance, small children needing special medication, insomniac babies, billy goats, donkeys, flightless birds of any kind and any barky animals that fit securely in a purse, Internet moguls, oil barons, royal barons, all royalty, heirs and heiresses, anyone wearing leopard print sweatpants and designer sunglasses, anyone wearing a black turtleneck and wire rim glasses, as well as any of the other fashionable and unfashionable elite class who will have their choice of inflight meals, which include lobster rolls, lobster salad, lobster bisque, lobster thermidor, or, for members of the eco-elite, a copy of the book ‘Consider the Lobster,’ while they recline in leather seats and enjoy free wine, free wi-fi, free hive fives, low carbon footprints, hot towel service, and deep tissue massage, and if you are not boarding the plane yet, please wait a little while longer while we fill it from front to back instead of back to front so you have to squeeze your way with your bags past people who never have to wait for anything and if you are lucky enough not to get bumped from this overbooked flight we will only allow you to sleep in steerage for a moment before we wake you up with a sharp slam to the knee from a beverage cart and spill coffee on your lap and sell you a bag of crushed potato chips at a handsome markup while blocking the aisle to the bathroom for half an hour. Thank you for your patience. We will now begin regular boarding for women who won’t stop talking and men who won’t stop snoring and anyone who can’t fit his or her bag in the overhead compartment but won’t stop trying. We know you have your choice of airlines and, as always, we appreciate your business. Thank you for flying with us.”

    AIRPORT

    “At this time we are only pre-boarding our first class passengers, business class passengers, small business class passengers, business school grads, platinum club members, diamond deluxe members, gold medallion members, Captain’s Club members, Mile High Club members, and all premium class passengers and club members, members of the armed forces — excluding the Coast Guard but including the National Guard — passengers needing special assistance, small children needing special medication, insomniac babies, billy goats, donkeys, flightless birds of any kind and any barky animals that fit securely in a purse, Internet moguls, oil barons, royal barons, all royalty, heirs and heiresses, anyone wearing leopard print sweatpants and designer sunglasses, anyone wearing a black turtleneck and wire rim glasses, as well as any of the other fashionable and unfashionable elite class who will have their choice of inflight meals, which include lobster rolls, lobster salad, lobster bisque, lobster thermidor, or, for members of the eco-elite, a copy of the book ‘Consider the Lobster,’ while they recline in leather seats and enjoy free wine, free wi-fi, free hive fives, low carbon footprints, hot towel service, and deep tissue massage, and if you are not boarding the plane yet, please wait a little while longer while we fill it from front to back instead of back to front so you have to squeeze your way with your bags past people who never have to wait for anything and if you are lucky enough not to get bumped from this overbooked flight we will only allow you to sleep in steerage for a moment before we wake you up with a sharp slam to the knee from a beverage cart and spill coffee on your lap and sell you a bag of crushed potato chips at a handsome markup while blocking the aisle to the bathroom for half an hour. Thank you for your patience. We will now begin regular boarding for women who won’t stop talking and men who won’t stop snoring and anyone who can’t fit his or her bag in the overhead compartment but won’t stop trying. We know you have your choice of airlines and, as always, we appreciate your business. Thank you for flying with us.”

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    IT IS LATER THAN YOU THINK He will not eat an egg for breakfast because he worries about cholesterol but he lights a cigarette and brags about how good the coke was. Cops harass a woman playing the guitar on the subway platform and we climb into the cold night, avoiding a step with a mound of human shit, a bite taken by a boot.   He says he has been flossing all week because he has a dentist appointment in a few hours that he is probably going to cancel. I tell him that is like cleaning your apartment before the maid comes. He says he does that, too.  The sidewalks are crowded with Christmas trees and I breath them in. A long flatbed with tall slats holds hundreds of prone trees. Several men are lying on top, mattress of green needles, chopped trunks, hands behind their heads, staring at the sky. Clouds and city light hide the stars and it is silent for a moment and, here, if you miss that then you miss everything. 

    IT IS LATER THAN YOU THINK

    He will not eat an egg for breakfast because he worries about cholesterol but he lights a cigarette and brags about how good the coke was. Cops harass a woman playing the guitar on the subway platform and we climb into the cold night, avoiding a step with a mound of human shit, a bite taken by a boot.  

    He says he has been flossing all week because he has a dentist appointment in a few hours that he is probably going to cancel. I tell him that is like cleaning your apartment before the maid comes. He says he does that, too. 

    The sidewalks are crowded with Christmas trees and I breath them in. A long flatbed with tall slats holds hundreds of prone trees. Several men are lying on top, mattress of green needles, chopped trunks, hands behind their heads, staring at the sky. Clouds and city light hide the stars and it is silent for a moment and, here, if you miss that then you miss everything. 

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    PANK PUBLISHED A STORY OF MINE The December issue of PANK is filled with words that might interest you. They should interest you. They BETTER interest you. There’s also this story, All You Need Is Love (And A Job (Or Maybe Not A Job)). I wrote it. Maybe check that one out, too. 

    PANK PUBLISHED A STORY OF MINE

    The December issue of PANK is filled with words that might interest you. They should interest you. They BETTER interest you. There’s also this story, All You Need Is Love (And A Job (Or Maybe Not A Job)). I wrote it. Maybe check that one out, too. 

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