ROBB TODD

Banana-macadamia pancakes with an egg on top for dinner because...

Tue, 08 May 2012 20:25:00 -0400

Banana-macadamia pancakes with an egg on top for dinner because when you are grown you can do that. After you mop the last of the yolk with the last rag of pancake, stand in front of the fridge and chug orange juice right from the bottle. How many Hs do you put after the “Ah!”?

WHAT ELSE ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO IN THIS SITUATION? All advice...

Tue, 17 Apr 2012 16:17:20 -0400

WHAT ELSE ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO IN THIS SITUATION?

All advice fails except this: Never trust anything that is orange that has eyes.

You might also try bacon as a bookmark. Be proud of your double standards because it is really hard to exist, especially in the City of Ids.

A man on the sidewalk said to an upset boy: “You know exactly what you’re doing. You’re making bad choices. Hey! One more of those and that’ll be another five minutes.” He took the boy’s hand and a sports utility vehicle ran over an empty plastic bottle. The bottle exploded. The cap shot off and hit a woman in the head and the boy sang, “Plip plop goes the poop!”

We ruin everything we like by just trying to get there.

ABSOLUTE GRAY Caffeine is a drug, in case you were wondering....

Sun, 01 Apr 2012 18:42:00 -0400

ABSOLUTE GRAY

Caffeine is a drug, in case you were wondering. Also, the anti-establishment is an establishment.

A little girl roared in the East Village. The East Village, where there is a 7-Eleven and a Subway and a Dunkin’ Donuts and a Papa John’s. We cannot let Brooklyn win.

The more colorful male pigeons puff their necks, fan their feathers on the ground, and spin a circle to attract females. Squirrels are doing it on trees but it looks like they are fighting.

Take your time.

SPRING TRAINING IN INWOOD HILL PARK The third baseman would not...

Sun, 18 Mar 2012 14:45:00 -0400

SPRING TRAINING IN INWOOD HILL PARK

The third baseman would not keep his glove down. The second baseman threw the ball over the first baseman’s head every time. The shortstop knew what he was doing. Everyone in the outfield was asleep.

From what cause I, of course, cannot say.Of course, from what...

Wed, 22 Feb 2012 13:00:06 -0500

From what cause I, of course, cannot say.
Of course, from what cause I cannot say.
Of course, I cannot say from what cause.
From what cause, of course, I cannot say.
I cannot say from what cause, of course.
From what cause I cannot, of course, say.
From what cause I cannot say, of course.
I cannot say, of course, from what cause.

The man pointed at a pigeon perched on the back of a bench and...

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 17:12:12 -0500

The man pointed at a pigeon perched on the back of a bench and said it wanted to sit on my arm if I would give it somewhere to land. He called the birds by name. “Come here, Cinnamon. Here, girl.” I held my arm out.

TWO REALLY IMPORTANT THINGS ONE The last movie I saw was set in...

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 10:30:00 -0500

TWO REALLY IMPORTANT THINGS

ONE

The last movie I saw was set in present day but the young protagonist had an answering machine. When is Hollywood going to give that up? Nobody younger than 50 has an answering machine and only seven people fifty or older have them—and four of those are broken and the dudes just won’t throw them away. That’s not a lot of answering machines! If they haven’t stopped making them entirely, they will soon.

Sorry, screenwriters. You’ll have to find another device to clue us in on important narrative details.

TWO

Later this month, the Uptown Collective’s Led Black Book Club will feature my collection, Steal Me for Your Stories. Drop by APT 78 in Washington Heights at 1pm on Feb. 25. I’ll read you a story.

This is probably as close as I will have to a book release party, so … let’s party. More info is here, and it’s so fancy you have to RSVP. Do you know what RSVP stands for? Yes, Retired Senior Volunteer Program. That’s an important program. RSVP is also a track by The Bloodhound Gang from the 2000 album Hooray for Boobies.

HOORAY!

YOU CAN NEVER LEAVE THE INTERNET UNATTENDED I went to another...

Wed, 01 Feb 2012 11:44:00 -0500

YOU CAN NEVER LEAVE THE INTERNET UNATTENDED

I went to another country for a while. In that country, the doubya doubya web is expensive for foreigners. In that country, which is very cold, I snowboarded for the first time. By “snowboarded” I mean I fell down a mountain for two hours. I’m still a little numb.

Also, people drink more when their lives are covered in snow. Also, they are nicer and say sorry when you are the person who should say sorry. They give you doughnuts, too. Also, some people leave hearts in the snow with their boots because they have that much love to give.

While all that was happening, this happened:

LITnIMAGE and Fwriction : Review published stories I wrote with my very own fingers. They’re short. Read them. These stories are in my collection, which is now available on Amazon as a Kindle edition. That makes my brain melt a little.

Humiliation for the good of the world

Mon, 23 Jan 2012 11:41:09 -0500

Necessary Fiction asked writers to share unedited, unpublished early work, and discuss how they have evolved. What a great idea. I’m into humiliation.

Here’s what I had to say about it — and if you think my writing sucks now, wait till you read this. It is much worse.

EVERY DOG IS A KILLER IN HER HEART A man on the street said,...

Wed, 18 Jan 2012 16:42:00 -0500

EVERY DOG IS A KILLER IN HER HEART

A man on the street said, “Can you help me? I’m poor.” I handed him a banana and he said, “Everything you need to know about life you can learn by watching animals,” and he peeled it by pinching off the black spot at the bottom, not by pulling the stem. “I speak several languages, including toddler, and I’ve picked flowers from rhinoceros horns. Every ritual is forced upon us.” He ate the banana and rubbed his cheek with the back of his hand, looked around, stared into shop windows, eyed the pedestrians, regarded the traffic. He rolled up his sleeve, revealing a faded tattoo of a sleeve. “All we know are assemblages.”

Umbrellas are dumb.

Thu, 12 Jan 2012 13:47:00 -0500

Umbrellas are dumb.

BEER CLOUD Definitely a wig for a woman (or man!) living in...

Tue, 10 Jan 2012 16:27:53 -0500

BEER CLOUD

Definitely a wig for a woman (or man!) living in Brooklyn.

WE WILL NEVER DIE JUST YETThis is important (and do not ever let...

Sat, 07 Jan 2012 13:40:00 -0500

WE WILL NEVER DIE JUST YET

This is important (and do not ever let someone who is successful at life tell you otherwise): There is a building near my office that was used as an exterior shot on a famous sitcom about a group of friends. It has been off the air for almost a decade but the show is syndicated. Tourists stand on the corner and take pictures of it. All day long. The show was not even filmed in this city. This is our culture. Tourists. Photos. All. Day. Long.

I took two pictures of food today. I do not have a healthy relationship with food nor money but I get along with liquid fine.

Remember when we saw the plane writing in the sky?

The approaching train sounded like lasers. On the train, a man with a torn jacket said to a little woman wearing a red coat, “Excuse me, miss. What day is it?”

She pulled her earbuds out. “Friday.”

He said thank you. At the next stop, he said, “One of these guys should give you a seat.”

She could not hear him. She had her earbuds in again.

“They should give you a seat!” He had an unopened can in his pocket, something to drink. “Is this 59th street?”

Another man said, “When it stops, bro.”

The man with the torn jack held out his hand with the cross dangling. “Could you spare a quarter?”

Outside the gym, a man walked past wearing green jeans. Does that mean anything to anyone any more?

Inside the elevator to the gym, a woman told another woman that she has a student whose name is pronounced “shu-thead” but it is not spelled that way. It has an I and no dash. The other woman laughed and said she has a student named La-Dasha, spelled La-Dasha, with a dash.

Inside the gym, a sweaty man wore a T-shirt that said, I HAVE DOUGHNUTS AT HOME. The view from the yoga studio is sick.

Outside the gym, two giant dump trucks stopped for a little old lady jaywalking with a cane, a pile of dead Chistmas trees near a no-parking sign. A blind man in white fur coat stood on the corner, tapping things. A little girl with a pink, rolling backpack stomped down the sidewalk making angry noises.

Relationships, my life, my feelings blahblah I do not know how it is for other people.

Two minutes outside my window on a Friday night.

Fri, 06 Jan 2012 22:13:40 -0500

Two minutes outside my window on a Friday night.

AIRPORT “At this time we are only pre-boarding our first...

Thu, 29 Dec 2011 11:34:00 -0500

AIRPORT

“At this time we are only pre-boarding our first class passengers, business class passengers, small business class passengers, business school grads, platinum club members, diamond deluxe members, gold medallion members, Captain’s Club members, Mile High Club members, and all premium class passengers and club members, members of the armed forces — excluding the Coast Guard but including the National Guard — passengers needing special assistance, small children needing special medication, insomniac babies, billy goats, donkeys, flightless birds of any kind and any barky animals that fit securely in a purse, Internet moguls, oil barons, royal barons, all royalty, heirs and heiresses, anyone wearing leopard print sweatpants and designer sunglasses, anyone wearing a black turtleneck and wire rim glasses, as well as any of the other fashionable and unfashionable elite class who will have their choice of inflight meals, which include lobster rolls, lobster salad, lobster bisque, lobster thermidor, or, for members of the eco-elite, a copy of the book ‘Consider the Lobster,’ while they recline in leather seats and enjoy free wine, free wi-fi, free high fives, low carbon footprints, hot-towel service, and deep-tissue massage, and if you are not boarding the plane yet, please wait a little while longer while we fill it from front to back instead of back to front so you have to squeeze your way with your bags past people who never have to wait for anything and if you are lucky enough not to get bumped from this overbooked flight we will only allow you to sleep in steerage for a moment before we wake you up with a sharp slam to the knee from a beverage cart and spill coffee on your lap and sell you a bag of crushed potato chips at a handsome markup while blocking the aisle to the bathroom for half an hour. Thank you for your patience. We will now begin regular boarding for women who won’t stop talking and men who won’t stop snoring and anyone who can’t fit his or her bag in the overhead compartment but won’t stop trying. We know you have your choice of airlines and, as always, we appreciate your business. Thank you for flying with us.”

If you are not afraid when you write, then you are not writing anything important.

Wed, 28 Dec 2011 17:39:32 -0500

If you are not afraid when you write, then you are not writing anything important.

Check out the winter issue of JMWW

Tue, 20 Dec 2011 10:35:14 -0500

If you have not read Daniel Long’s writing, well, there might not be any hope for you. You can begin the attempt at redemption by reading his story, From the Plagiarist’s Notebooks: Markson Makes an Introduction, in the winter issue of JMWW.

Other people wrote stories and whatnot, including me: Eardrum Alphabet Orbit. This is one of the stories in my collection, which you can order here if you are a decent human and fine American.

It’s honor to be alongside Dan, a brilliant writer and friend. He’s going to blow shit up with word bombs. He already is.

IT IS LATER THAN YOU THINK He will not eat an egg for breakfast...

Fri, 16 Dec 2011 15:21:00 -0500

IT IS LATER THAN YOU THINK

He will not eat an egg for breakfast because he worries about cholesterol but he lights a cigarette and brags about how good the coke was. Cops harass a woman playing the guitar on the subway platform and we climb into the cold night, avoiding a step with a mound of human shit, a bite taken by a boot.

He says he has been flossing all week because he has a dentist appointment in a few hours that he is probably going to cancel. I tell him that is like cleaning your apartment before the maid comes. He says he does that, too.

The sidewalks are crowded with Christmas trees and I breath them in. A long flatbed with tall slats holds hundreds of prone trees. Several men are lying on top, mattress of green needles, chopped trunks, hands behind their heads, staring at the sky. Clouds and city light hide the stars and it is silent for a moment and, here, if you miss that then you miss everything.

PANK PUBLISHED A STORY OF MINE The December issue of PANK is...

Thu, 15 Dec 2011 23:01:00 -0500

PANK PUBLISHED A STORY OF MINE

The December issue of PANK is filled with words that might interest you. They should interest you. They BETTER interest you. There’s also this story, All You Need Is Love (And A Job (Or Maybe Not A Job)). I wrote it. Maybe check that one out, too.

REVERBERATE INTO NEW PRESSUREAn old man acclaimed as the...

Sun, 11 Dec 2011 14:47:00 -0500

REVERBERATE INTO NEW PRESSURE

An old man acclaimed as the world’s greatest living writer had a free reading and few people came. It was in a large room on the top floor of a fancy building at a private university. A wall of windows offered a perfect view of the glowing city skyline.

There were so many empty seats that the staff removed several rows of chairs from the back of the room and other chairs from around the sides to create a packed house where there was not one.

Another writer introduced the old man, his former professor, and told an anecdote about how the old man had almost expelled him. The old man came on stage and told an anecdote about a dead southern author who lied about why he used a cane and he explained that they really used a cane for the same reason - writing ruins backs the same way hard labor does.

The old writer’s voice sounded important. He said the story he was going to read had “mysteries hidden deep within it.” It was the title story from his new collection. It was good. A few people lined up for him to sign their books and everyone else walked to the elevator.