RoBB ToDD

I'm giving a short reading, my first, on July 19. If you want to come, hit me up. It will be mercifully short, I promise. Well, mine will be. I don't know what the other hacks are going to read, but everyone has a five-minute limit or a guy with a cane comes onto the stage and drags us off. Wait, no, that happens somewhere else. I dunno, something bad happens if you go over the limit. A bullet between the eyes, I hope.

I'd love it if you could come out and snicker, maybe fart in the middle of my sappy prose, you know, just be yourselves. They're going to ask you for a five buck "donation," so it's definitely not worth the price. Come out anyway. I think they thought I knew a lot of people, which is why they let me read. Heh. Suckers.

Peace c ya later

I love advertising. It's an endless source of laughs. Beer is a pretty simple thing. Yet, technology was developed and an entire marketing campaign was devised to tell you something you can feel with your hand. Thanks, men, for being stupid enough to need help with this.

Yeah, that's about all you need. So, think you're a writer? Really? Sure? Good. Here's what The Man (who was totally broke for a long long time) has to say:

"It’s not that I don’t like things, some things are very nice, but they certainly take a distant second place to being able to live your life and do what you want to do. And I always knew that I didn't want to work. … You have to be dedicated but it was my No. 1 priority. … I thought you're just here once, life is brief, and to have to spend every day of it doing what somebody else wants you to do is not the way to live it. … And, um, I don’t have any advice for anybody on how to go about that except that if you're really dedicated you can probably do it."

Here's the first part of the interview. You can find the rest on the interwebs:

Col. Sanders and Fridays are not trifflin

Lots of good writing in the inaugural issue of > kill author from some peeps I Internet-know: xTx, Ani Smith, Mel Bosworth, and Barry Graham. They even published a story of mine. After all those people knock you down with a few words, check out this story by my man, Ty B. Tell me that's not the heat.

I love Paul O'Neill, especially when he assaults innocent water coolers, but with Johnny Damon at bat, two outs, and Brett Gardner on third, he says: "That's why sports, to me, are so fun. They're so much better than, you know, reading a book or going to the movies because you don't know what's going to happen, you know, and you don't see that in every day life all the time."

Michael Kay: "Well, baseball is definitely unscripted, that's for sure."

Yeah, the problem with life is a bad script, not anger, selfishness, vindictiveness, alcohol, prescription drugs, non-prescription drugs, your shitty job, your not having a job, traffic, smelly people on the subway, politicians, apathetic voters, capitalism, communism, terrorism, inter-league play, the NCAA bowl system, steroids, the DMV, gas prices, immigration, immigration laws, Bernie Madoff, Rush Limbaugh, the Middle East, Iraq, banks, bailouts, the deficit, obesity, health care, and a cat that shits and pisses on everything except the litter box. C'mon! This is not "Two and a Half Men," okay? Please call Charlie Kauffman immediately. I don't like my season finale.

Then a commercial came on for the Sands casino in a city named after Jesus' hometown: "You know we know action … Emeril's chop house … BAM! … Nightlife … You know we know how to play and we're only an hour away … Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER."

..d! is the motherfuckin man

Stephen Colbert also performs a duet with poet Paul Muldoon, as they tag team "Tea."